Barbed Wire and Black Polish......a story I have been working on...

Ever since I cut my hair short and went blonde she stares at it everytime I'm in her checkout lane at Ralph's Market. Last week she tapped the printed sign in front of the register with a nasty smirk on her face,
"Nancy's Snack Cakes are today's special,buy one, get two free,are you interested?"
She knows darn well, like everyone else at Ralph's, that I have been dieting for the last six month.
Thankfully,Sally,the checker in the next lane leaned over and gushed
"Girl,love those chandelier earrings!"
I was about to say "Thank you" but was interrupted by an annoying throat clearing,
"Do you have coupons? Need Stamps?"

Now, here she is sitting across from me at VIP Nail salon getting a pedicure, too. I don't like her. Truthfully,I don't think she likes me. What's she doing here anyway, this is my salon.
Good heavens,she's rolling up her pant leg like she's auditioning for a porn film,and son of a gun she's got a badassed barbed wire tattoo around her ankle! I feel her eyeballs lasering in on me and look away,hand the nail tec black polish for my toenails:so happy I didn't go with the pink. I nonchalantly glance up and our eyes lock. We give each other a quick nod.

Topcoat finished, the nail girl not only helps me down off the chair,but calls me, Mam! "I'm fine" I say with steel in my voice,catching the glee in "Miss tattoo lady's" eyes. I slip my toes under the blue drying light and soon,she sits across from me acting like she hasn't seen me. Her hair is short and spikey...when did that happen?

Without looking up she utters.."You like it,don't you?" then gives her hair a quick touch with her fingers.
Startled,"Yeah," slips out of my mouth. Then quickly I say,"bitch" under my breath.
"You two friends?" asks the owner.
We both do a body shift,our toes touch.
I can only get out,"No,"
before she finishes,"we're sisters."

Making Magic

Yes, making magic is a burden. In the end it usually works out fine...except that we are exhausted. Good old fashioned tired. I'm already there. But not because of Christmas. Family in flux. That's it. We all are feeling it. But movement is good in a family,at least I see it that way. I know families that try to hold on to the exact way of doing things and the family is miserable...because they are not "family" anymore...they are "families". It takes a while to figure it out. But bless the families that take the time to grow as they should. I had a Swedish girlfriend years back,Sigrid. She was ten years older than me. My oldest was the age of her youngest. She gave me good advice. Hold on with loose reins. She was right. Let them go to live their own lives and they will always be part of your life. Wise Swede.
The good part also is to realize that these things are going on inside of me. Fortunatley, I have a few good friends that I can talk to. Saying it is often enough. That's what good friends are for...our witnesses. Not our fixers. Bless them for just listening.
Today I woke up with a sinus problem. Yeah! I am so happy that it wasn't that I was feeling old...which I wasn't ...but my face felt puffy and I felt so tired. Yeah...I'm sick.
I'm going to see my daughter,Sarah today. Going to check out a condo she and her hubby have been looking at. Nice that they still want our opinion. But I know they will do just exactly what they want to do anyway..in fact, our opinion will just cement in their minds that they are right!
Oh well, I see that as a good sign too. Free to make their own mistakes and free to get it right. A mom and dad can only look on and hold out the net...which you can't let them see,of course.
So my dear Blogger friends,thanks for the ears you have lent me yesterday and today...for being my witnesses.....I'm fine
In fact I'm going to wear my red shoes today! And I put the ankle bracelets back on and my energy bell hangs around my neck on a siver chain....
I'm back

and it's my birthday

 

My friend Ned gave me this picture a while ago. Today this is how I am feeling. Like a pooped out old hound dog...
Now, I shouldn't be feeling this way, I am, after all, the queen of feeling like a chick. Not today. I am worn out..been chasing my tail (again) trying to please way too many people...trying to fit everything in...and it's not over yet. This is not how I wanted to enter my 59th year of life. It sort of is like going backwards.
So I must begin again. I must be deliberate with my self.
Slow down. eat less...walk more....plan my day.....meditate....be alone.....take care of myself like I know how to do....get my mojo back.....wear those 3inch heels....jingle...look and feel like a woman again.....how did this slip away so fast....Pay attention girl! Begin Again!

John's Christmas Trees

We thought it was a forest,this John's Trees on Kedzie Avenue. A forest with strung light bulbs that lit up all the Christmas trees. Rows and rows of them..for us to run through as daddy spent time on a few,picking them up and shaking off the snow,stomping it on the ground so it would open up. Oh,how cold we got hiding from each other,our noses getting bright red and sniffling,our fingers tingling,our toes frosting through our boots. But,we didn't care...it was magic,this Tree Forest on a busy street.
When we saw dad holding up a tree in an aisle,we rushed over to him,knowing that our opinion was to be asked for,and with glee we nodded that this was the one to be our Christmas tree. We giggled as we piled in the back seat of the Chevy with our piece of the forest proudly tied with twine on the top of the car. We hurriedly wrote our names on the window glass as they steamed up from out breath. And then we began to squirm and wiggle,kicking each other for getting too close to our space on the seat,arguing about who would set up the manger under the tree,and who would be the first to put on the tinsel,and whom would dad lift up to put on The Star?
Oh,how I miss the forest and being small. But I miss my dad most of all.

I had the camera today..watch out

 

It's always the light that stops me. What a miracle it is. We would be in darkness without it. But it is the shadows that helps us see the light that is already present. What a glorious bitter cold sunny day today...January weather.
Oh my, it's only December. Most days in winter are dull and gray...so today I went out and looked for something beautiful...I found a few things

Wah? Get Up? It's cold!

 

Meeting Called to Order

 

Light on Ice

 

Mr. and Mrs. Mourning

 

Uncle Junco

 

Mr. Cardinal

 

Mrs. Cardinal

 

A sunny kitchen window..oh the winter sun!

 

Sweet Woodruff tucked in with snow

 

Grackles...clowns of the yard

 

Have you ever wanted to go back? Go back to a time where it was magic? No matter how hard I look, I can't recapture that feeling of Christmas as a child. The church I grew up in is no more. It started changing in the 60's..like everything else. Now, looking back, I don't think much changed for the good.
I went to Lutheran school. We began our day with prayer,the pledge to the Flag and memory work. My first Bible verse was "In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth." Our studies began with the Blue Bible Story Book. How I loved the paintings in that book... religious paintings of creation, Abraham, the Flood, the crucifiction..resurrection..etc. When we got older, say past 3rd grade, we got a new... Red Bible story book that went into greater detail about the Bible.
We prayed before lunch and before going home.Every year the school put on a nativity pageant on Christmas Eve. The little kids were always angels. We wore white gowns with gold garland wraped around our heads like halos...and we had golden clip on wings. The upper grades were shepards and Kings and the lucky kids got to be The Angel and Mary and Joseph (Jesus was a doll).
It was a big deal. The angels were also the choir. We practiced and practiced until it was perfect.We also had Advent services every Thursday night in December to get us ready for Christmas. On Christmas Eve we arrived at church early to put on our costumes...the church basement was all a buzz with excitement. Back them moms and dads and grandparents and aunts and uncles got dressed up for church.
Everyone looked so special. The church put up real 12ft trees...decorated with giant glass ornaments and real tinsel and lights. It was magical. Being part of the heavenly choir is one of my life's greatest experiences of the heart. When we filled the church aisles our breath was taken away by the huge Christmas trees. The organist was playing the songs on full throtle. The nativity became so real to us kids. It really touched us being part of the telling of the story. After the service we all went back down to the church basement to change our clothes and to pick up our gift from the church ladies...a brown paper bag filled with Braches chocolate stars. Candy was a treat for us back then...so this got our sails opened for the gifts we knew would be waiting for us back home.
When I was in eighth grade we got a new kind of teacher who introduced new kind of music and he wrote a nativity play. I got to play Eve and Mary. He brought in the promise of the Savior from Genesis. But I have to tell you..it was more like a play to me with his words and music...beautiful as they were. I liked the simple story read straight out of the Bible. But it was the 60's and everybody thought they had better ideas. They didn't.
One Christmas Eve,when I was small, my dad dropped us off at church. I don't remember why my parents weren't at church. But after church he told us to walk down to the corner and to wait for him to pick us up. My brother, Larry, and I were little...we were so excited as we walked to the corner with our bags of loot..all bundled up in our coats and hats and gloves. I remember it was a very cold clear night. We were 18 months apart in age...but miles apart in our thinking. That night we both scoured the sky. He for Santa's sleigh...me for the Star of Bethlehem.
We both saw what we were looking for.
Magic I tell you...magic.

My favorite Christmas Movie...Heidi

Grandfather,Grandfather!

I just love this movie. Everything about it. I think it taps into something in my upbringing.
The wonder of Christmas,grandfather and good people.
I have always been a sucker for good triumphing over bad.
I love how grandfather cannot resist this charming,loving little girl....I love how his gruffness melts away.
The power of love.
A wonderful Christmas movie.
It's snowing now and there's a storm on the way....I think I'll make meatballs and mashed potatoes,and greenbeans, tonight...
pop in the DVD and enjoy the season of love

Brrrrrrrr today!

This was our first snow. Not much. This week they are predicting someone in the surrounding Chicago area may get about 12 inches..probably by my daughter's. The grocery store was mobbed with people with the same mindset as mine.....more milk,bread,eggs and catfood,etc.  You never know. I am not welcoming of this new season,although I am aware it has its beauty too. And I will be looking for it.  I just hate driving in a lot of snow! 

I liked the footprints in the one photo...a rabbit's and the UPS man's. I love footprints in the snow. Now that's something to look forward too!

And I guess the pumpkin family missed the bus.

hmmm.....that looks like something I might like to try and paint...snow on the pumpkins..I never painted snow....do you paint snow....APRIL????? BEV???UTA????

My Sunshine

This arrived in my email this morning. How could I not have a beautiful day. She and her brother will be here for Christmas this year..first time we will all be together. And, of course, Finn, will be there!
Harvest....this is my harvest...my bounty
I never imagined it would be so sweet.

 

The story of the yellow canary is a sad story for sure, but that is not the lesson of it.
Allowing myself the feeling of it, and all that it involved taught me much.
This little yellow bird was free. He didn't know it would be short lived.
He just flew! He had survival skills given to him by a God he did not worship or even knew existed. He hung around with "real" free birds. He became one of them. That winter was particulary bitter and ladden with snow. I am sure many "free" birds didn't make it. But they lived until they couldn't anymore. And this little yellow bird captured my heart. I eagerly sought him everyday. I worried about him. I cared for him. I prayed for him. He was only a bird...but he was a free bird for the rest of his life. I praise his summer of freedom. How better it was... than more years trapped in a caged...alone,with none of his kind. Now he was free.
Sure it broke my heart to see him huddled in the tree.It broke my heart to see the the mourning dove also and the purple finches. But it always breaks my heart to see how animals have to survive. That winter I didn't think my ferral cat,Handsome, would make it.
These things only make my heart bigger. My capacity for loving is only increased by my feelings of compassion for these helpless creatures. I did and do what I can and sometimes even more than I can.
How do I know that he, my little yellow bird, was not one of the least of these?
So suffering doesn't make me turn away, it makes me want to take action. Even if it is only to hit my knees.

Oh, and I always look for him in the garden...just in case.