and it's my birthday

 

My friend Ned gave me this picture a while ago. Today this is how I am feeling. Like a pooped out old hound dog...
Now, I shouldn't be feeling this way, I am, after all, the queen of feeling like a chick. Not today. I am worn out..been chasing my tail (again) trying to please way too many people...trying to fit everything in...and it's not over yet. This is not how I wanted to enter my 59th year of life. It sort of is like going backwards.
So I must begin again. I must be deliberate with my self.
Slow down. eat less...walk more....plan my day.....meditate....be alone.....take care of myself like I know how to do....get my mojo back.....wear those 3inch heels....jingle...look and feel like a woman again.....how did this slip away so fast....Pay attention girl! Begin Again!

John's Christmas Trees

We thought it was a forest,this John's Trees on Kedzie Avenue. A forest with strung light bulbs that lit up all the Christmas trees. Rows and rows of them..for us to run through as daddy spent time on a few,picking them up and shaking off the snow,stomping it on the ground so it would open up. Oh,how cold we got hiding from each other,our noses getting bright red and sniffling,our fingers tingling,our toes frosting through our boots. But,we didn't care...it was magic,this Tree Forest on a busy street.
When we saw dad holding up a tree in an aisle,we rushed over to him,knowing that our opinion was to be asked for,and with glee we nodded that this was the one to be our Christmas tree. We giggled as we piled in the back seat of the Chevy with our piece of the forest proudly tied with twine on the top of the car. We hurriedly wrote our names on the window glass as they steamed up from out breath. And then we began to squirm and wiggle,kicking each other for getting too close to our space on the seat,arguing about who would set up the manger under the tree,and who would be the first to put on the tinsel,and whom would dad lift up to put on The Star?
Oh,how I miss the forest and being small. But I miss my dad most of all.

I had the camera today..watch out

 

It's always the light that stops me. What a miracle it is. We would be in darkness without it. But it is the shadows that helps us see the light that is already present. What a glorious bitter cold sunny day today...January weather.
Oh my, it's only December. Most days in winter are dull and gray...so today I went out and looked for something beautiful...I found a few things

Wah? Get Up? It's cold!

 

Meeting Called to Order

 

Light on Ice

 

Mr. and Mrs. Mourning

 

Uncle Junco

 

Mr. Cardinal

 

Mrs. Cardinal

 

A sunny kitchen window..oh the winter sun!

 

Sweet Woodruff tucked in with snow

 

Grackles...clowns of the yard

 

Have you ever wanted to go back? Go back to a time where it was magic? No matter how hard I look, I can't recapture that feeling of Christmas as a child. The church I grew up in is no more. It started changing in the 60's..like everything else. Now, looking back, I don't think much changed for the good.
I went to Lutheran school. We began our day with prayer,the pledge to the Flag and memory work. My first Bible verse was "In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth." Our studies began with the Blue Bible Story Book. How I loved the paintings in that book... religious paintings of creation, Abraham, the Flood, the crucifiction..resurrection..etc. When we got older, say past 3rd grade, we got a new... Red Bible story book that went into greater detail about the Bible.
We prayed before lunch and before going home.Every year the school put on a nativity pageant on Christmas Eve. The little kids were always angels. We wore white gowns with gold garland wraped around our heads like halos...and we had golden clip on wings. The upper grades were shepards and Kings and the lucky kids got to be The Angel and Mary and Joseph (Jesus was a doll).
It was a big deal. The angels were also the choir. We practiced and practiced until it was perfect.We also had Advent services every Thursday night in December to get us ready for Christmas. On Christmas Eve we arrived at church early to put on our costumes...the church basement was all a buzz with excitement. Back them moms and dads and grandparents and aunts and uncles got dressed up for church.
Everyone looked so special. The church put up real 12ft trees...decorated with giant glass ornaments and real tinsel and lights. It was magical. Being part of the heavenly choir is one of my life's greatest experiences of the heart. When we filled the church aisles our breath was taken away by the huge Christmas trees. The organist was playing the songs on full throtle. The nativity became so real to us kids. It really touched us being part of the telling of the story. After the service we all went back down to the church basement to change our clothes and to pick up our gift from the church ladies...a brown paper bag filled with Braches chocolate stars. Candy was a treat for us back then...so this got our sails opened for the gifts we knew would be waiting for us back home.
When I was in eighth grade we got a new kind of teacher who introduced new kind of music and he wrote a nativity play. I got to play Eve and Mary. He brought in the promise of the Savior from Genesis. But I have to tell you..it was more like a play to me with his words and music...beautiful as they were. I liked the simple story read straight out of the Bible. But it was the 60's and everybody thought they had better ideas. They didn't.
One Christmas Eve,when I was small, my dad dropped us off at church. I don't remember why my parents weren't at church. But after church he told us to walk down to the corner and to wait for him to pick us up. My brother, Larry, and I were little...we were so excited as we walked to the corner with our bags of loot..all bundled up in our coats and hats and gloves. I remember it was a very cold clear night. We were 18 months apart in age...but miles apart in our thinking. That night we both scoured the sky. He for Santa's sleigh...me for the Star of Bethlehem.
We both saw what we were looking for.
Magic I tell you...magic.

My favorite Christmas Movie...Heidi

Grandfather,Grandfather!

I just love this movie. Everything about it. I think it taps into something in my upbringing.
The wonder of Christmas,grandfather and good people.
I have always been a sucker for good triumphing over bad.
I love how grandfather cannot resist this charming,loving little girl....I love how his gruffness melts away.
The power of love.
A wonderful Christmas movie.
It's snowing now and there's a storm on the way....I think I'll make meatballs and mashed potatoes,and greenbeans, tonight...
pop in the DVD and enjoy the season of love

Brrrrrrrr today!

This was our first snow. Not much. This week they are predicting someone in the surrounding Chicago area may get about 12 inches..probably by my daughter's. The grocery store was mobbed with people with the same mindset as mine.....more milk,bread,eggs and catfood,etc.  You never know. I am not welcoming of this new season,although I am aware it has its beauty too. And I will be looking for it.  I just hate driving in a lot of snow! 

I liked the footprints in the one photo...a rabbit's and the UPS man's. I love footprints in the snow. Now that's something to look forward too!

And I guess the pumpkin family missed the bus.

hmmm.....that looks like something I might like to try and paint...snow on the pumpkins..I never painted snow....do you paint snow....APRIL????? BEV???UTA????

My Sunshine

This arrived in my email this morning. How could I not have a beautiful day. She and her brother will be here for Christmas this year..first time we will all be together. And, of course, Finn, will be there!
Harvest....this is my harvest...my bounty
I never imagined it would be so sweet.

 

The story of the yellow canary is a sad story for sure, but that is not the lesson of it.
Allowing myself the feeling of it, and all that it involved taught me much.
This little yellow bird was free. He didn't know it would be short lived.
He just flew! He had survival skills given to him by a God he did not worship or even knew existed. He hung around with "real" free birds. He became one of them. That winter was particulary bitter and ladden with snow. I am sure many "free" birds didn't make it. But they lived until they couldn't anymore. And this little yellow bird captured my heart. I eagerly sought him everyday. I worried about him. I cared for him. I prayed for him. He was only a bird...but he was a free bird for the rest of his life. I praise his summer of freedom. How better it was... than more years trapped in a caged...alone,with none of his kind. Now he was free.
Sure it broke my heart to see him huddled in the tree.It broke my heart to see the the mourning dove also and the purple finches. But it always breaks my heart to see how animals have to survive. That winter I didn't think my ferral cat,Handsome, would make it.
These things only make my heart bigger. My capacity for loving is only increased by my feelings of compassion for these helpless creatures. I did and do what I can and sometimes even more than I can.
How do I know that he, my little yellow bird, was not one of the least of these?
So suffering doesn't make me turn away, it makes me want to take action. Even if it is only to hit my knees.

Oh, and I always look for him in the garden...just in case.

 

This is the last time I saw him.
Just before Christmas Eve.
All I could do was watch out my window as he perched on a branch ,
I'm sure, freezing to death.

DEAR SANTA

FOR TWO MONTHS  I'VE FED A CANARY
AN ESCAPEE RESIDING IN YARD
WHO'S HOOKED UP WITH PURPLE FINCHES
LEARNED THE WAYS AROUND A FEEDER

BUT THEY COULD NOT TEACH HIM ABOUT WINTER

A BRUTAL WINTER STORM HAS BLOWN IN
FREEZING RAIN,ICE COVERED BRANCHES FOR DAYS
TONIGHT 8 INCHES OF SNOW
TOMORROW IS CHRISTMAS EVE
AND ALL I WANT IS TO SEE THE BRIGHT LITTLE LEMON
IN MY PINE TREE AGAIN

My little canary happily fed around my feeders well into December.
Until that is a brutal cold front arrived.
Against all odds he had survived thus far.
Last Christmas it was horrible. He stayed in my yard just outside my kitchen window all day Christmas Eve....clinging to ice covered branches.
I prayed for a miracle....

Last summer this little yellow bird showed up at my feeder. No one believed me that it was a canary,until I got a picture of him. My friend lost her bird one summer when the door was left open and out he flew. Though I hadn't seen her in 20 years, I felt her pain now. Her beloved Peety..gone.
So I called PAWS to see if anyone had reported their canary missing. Need I tell you I got a snicker on the other side of the phone. "No,no one" she managed to say before saying goodbye.
But I knew he did belong to someone. All I could do was make sure there was always seed in the feeders. His buddies,the cardinals and finches showed him the rest. He stayed all summer...a happy yellow spot in my trees. then Fall came and he stayed and then winter....He was brave....and my heart broke with every drop in temperature.

 

Leaving my garage the other day to have breakfast with my friend,Mary, I paused on this bucket I had dragged in from the yard. It was a bucket of rocks I had either in pots of flowers,in a fountain or just in the garden. I gathered them, then left the bucket on the deck under a bird feeder. Last week I brought the bucket in and put it in the garage with the other items from summer. Would you believe these sunflower seeds sprouted in my garage....dark garage?
The life force....so powerful. Sprouting with no light,no soil,only rocks. Of course they will soon die...the seedlings are already turning light green and getting lanky from seeking the light...which there isn't any in my garage..unless I leave the door open. And today it is 25 degrees out. So they will wither and die. Sad. Even if I plucked them out and planted them in soil...they would be weak seedlings...and never bloom. Let go. But it is a joy now to see their intent..to sprout and grow.
And isn't it striking to see the "love" rock in the pail? What a picture.
Grow where you're planted. And just as in life..some "seeds" sprout only to be deprived of the perfect growing medium. But most humans grow inspite of their "soil"...and some become beautiful, strong, adults,loving and caring and smart.
Oh the garden, it provides so many lessons.
So...grow,grow,grow...it is your destiny

 

 

 

Finn Arthur O'Connor

Well,he's here...all 5lbs.7oz of him. Mom and dad couldn't be happier with their little bundle. Grandpa and Grandma glowing over the little Irishman.
Thank you all my sisters,April,Elena,Bev,Uta,Sara,Cory,Goldenbird,Robin,Relyn,Buffy,Mr.McGregor's Daughter for your prayers and good thoughts and vibes...you held me up

I'm home now waiting. She went in at 8:30. They said it would be started tonight , but the baby probably wouldn't be born until tomorrow. She and her husband,Jerry, are doing fine. They wanted me to go home and they would call us. I repect that. I won't get any sleep tonight tossing and turning, but one thing I always do for my children is to respect their wishes. This is their time.
Thank you for wishing them well and for your good thoughts and prayers..I feel them.
When I was 8 months pregnant with Amelia, my beloved brother died suddenly. It was hard getting through my last month. But I did and I had the most wonderful daughter,who now will be a most wonderful mother herself.
It's not being a grandma that is so emotional for me now, it is my bond with Amelia and that time of my life. This was an inward journey I didn't know would happen. But it is always about journey..whether we see it or not
Thanks for listening

He stopped by to wish me well

 

I saved him from the hawk a few times, so I think he knew I needed some encouragement today. Good little Kid.
I am off to the City to be with my daughter,Amelia, who is going in to have her baby tonight. She is felling better,unlike yesterday where she was running a temp and having gastro issues. But her husband called and said "She wants her mamma." Praise be.
I remember when I had her, my first born. It wasn't a good time for me. I was in the throws of deep, deep, sorrow and grief. Looking back, I don't know how I got through it, other than, I didn't have a choice..grief or no grief, I was going to have a baby. So this has been a time of deep reflection for me. How resilient the body and spirit are..how when we have faith, we can climb that mountain.
So today, I will be with my daughter and with the 23 year old who didn't think she could ever get through her grief and be a mom at the same time. But I did. And she,Amelia, was the reason. Now I can be there for her.
Think of us today and tomorrow as she enters this space, that for her is the unknown. Pray that all goes well for her and the little baby boy inside her.
It is a fragile time and I know this, and part of me is scared,so please pray for us, that all goes well, and tomorrow I can tell you his name.
And Kid squirrel, isn't he cute? But boy, there is no end to his appetite for sunflower seeds.
But he is my beauty and joy this morning. And for this I give thanks.