A battle time

While out to dinner with my DH
I said to him ..

If someone messed with my mother or kid, I'd take them down..
but it is still hard for me to fight for myself...

We had a nice discussion about this, but truth be known,we weren't talking
about the same thing.

I made several drastic changes in my life, and lifestyle, about 7 years ago.
It was hard and very inwardly painful.
...I tell friends
 that it was a matter of recovering from myself.
I had to fight back against the person who had found a place of safety and no growth.

You see that woman in the red shorts in the above picture?
....that's who I really am on the inside
But it took much excavating to find that out.
 I am a sensual, confident woman
who loves red, and body adornments, and toned muscles & fashion
A free spirit who yearns to create
who wants to write and draw
a woman who wants freedom of body
to have that body,mind and soul connection

where once I had 3 pairs of shoes, I have now lost count

Yoga, Pilates,walking, good eating, and weight training
are me..ME!

I now have a room of my own where I indulge my creative spirit
yep, me.

But  I was  none of that

It took a lot of fighting back to find her and I have to do it dail.y
I only wished that I had excavated her sooner..when I could wear those shorts

That discovery journal was the important tool
It is not the actual cutting and pasting that impacts
but when you stand back and look at it as a whole
...what it reveals
OMG..what is on those pages? shocking
Is that really me...the one inside?

My Artist Way friends said a resounding YES
"we saw it" they said
"you just had to discover it"

But.... seeing it finally is one thing, then I had to implement these desires
Good lordie...not so easy
Not welcomed
Frightening to family/old friends
People think you have lost it 
My neighbor stopped me one day
 while I was getting the mail
..asked if I was sick..you look so different she said
Not the reaction I was hoping for

I went from a overweight house frau
to work out beast who jingled everywhere she went
Sounds simple these seemingly superficial changes
They were dynamite
  
I became a rebel for myself

I battle the old me every once in a while
She liked it safe
But I don't
So fight back....I say to myself, fight for your-self

Bless my DH for not seeing that I have lost
a piece of myself lately....and was trying to tell him
that I need to engage in a fight with that safe someone inside
who wants to take me down
A constant battle that is mine alone

Journal entry:
Change gives you different enemies
watch out

***