Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Moving Day

an oldie dusted off for, One Shot Wednesday # 35

I wrote this when I thought more was more
so it has sat in the writer's box
Vicki Lane's blog post today,at remined me of my loss
of a friend.. to I dusted this one off for today's Wednesday poem
but it is still too much talking
So I tried to capture it in a somewhat haiku form
..better I think
I posted them both

Moving Day

I drove around the block, past
her house,watched
them load the moving van,
steadied the steering wheel,
refused to turn inward
toward the curb
I just couldn't say goodbye
one last time

Like an overpacked box
I struggled to stay together
All the rest of the day
tears perched at eye rims,
refused to drop

I waited until evening
drove past her house
she was really gone

This time the wheel relented,
turned inward
The house before me sat dark,
her chinese lamp
not glowing in the window
as it had for the last 10 years
Suddenly, the landscape lights
switched on, illuminated
my loss

A ghostly presence
in the night air
Haiku compression:

dark windows at night
her move like a heavy box
her spirit lingers


  1. I'm feeling your loss in both.
    'her move like a heavy box'...heavy BlessYourHeart

  2. Beautiful. I have trouble saying goodbye, and writing about it.

  3. Hello Dar..I have been thinking about you lately....that bald eagle of yours has me jealous
    blessings to you also

  4. Welcome Stephen, I love possums too. I used to want to be a poet..but I discoverd it's not about's about craft
    The good ones make it look so effortless...but I know better now
    How to express loss and goodbye in poetry without "saying" it..was a challenge---just as in writing
    thanks for the visit
    hope you visit my other blog sometime

  5. powerful loss we find ourselves still running those same routines hoping for a different answer...emo stirring...

  6. Moving and poignant Suz and the Haiku is dynamite in its unwritten meaning

  7. It is a sad loss when a friend moves away....the heart is pulled with them and to let go..can be so painful...blessings...bkm

  8. I have to admit, I like the concentrated form better. I believe it is rather more powerful because of it.

  9. You know how wordy I can be, I like the 1st version:)

  10. looking at it again..still stinks
    and the haiku like form
    two hers...not good
    Now they both can go back into the writer's box
    ..I knew there was a reason it was there so long..It made me feel better writing it..but it not a good poem
    But Red, I can always count on you
    thanks everyone for commenting

  11. The sense of distance is palpable in the description - although I don't feel the piece is as strong as it could be. The flow isn't quite there in my eyes, and you're right, it does go on a bit long...but likewise, the Haiku, I feel, doesn't quite give us enough of the pain that wells from this. It needs a little something more. Just my thoughts - each are good starting points to build from, though, I think.

  12. Why cianphelan...thank you
    a poet who knows what they are talking's bad
    I thought if I posted would reveal what's wrong with it.
    I guess I can't kill my baby
    the spilled words that I jotted in my notebook the day she left.
    Like writing a must always remember that STORY comes first. Not to let facts get in the way of it...
    I really appreciate the feedback..come by anytime
    now to see if you have a blog

  13. Just got here -- you've captured the feeling. When I saw that giant truck and knew that it contained all of Josie's stuff and it and she were going all the way across the country ... oh, what an awful, empty, Final feeling.


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