http://onestoppoetry.com/
I wrote this when I thought more was more
so it has sat in the writer's box
Vicki Lane's blog post today,at http://vickilanemysteries.blogspot.com/ remined me of my loss
of a friend.. to moving...so I dusted this one off for today's Wednesday poem
but it is still too much talking
So I tried to capture it in a somewhat haiku form
..better I think
I posted them both
Moving Day
I drove around the block, past
her house,watched
them load the moving van,
steadied the steering wheel,
refused to turn inward
toward the curb
I just couldn't say goodbye
one last time
Like an overpacked box
I struggled to stay together
All the rest of the day
tears perched at eye rims,
refused to drop
I waited until evening
drove past her house
again,knowing
she was really gone
This time the wheel relented,
turned inward
The house before me sat dark,
her chinese lamp
not glowing in the window
as it had for the last 10 years
Suddenly, the landscape lights
switched on, illuminated
my loss
A ghostly presence
in the night air
********************************************************************************************
Haiku compression:
dark windows at night
her move like a heavy box
her spirit lingers
I'm feeling your loss in both.
ReplyDelete'her move like a heavy box'...heavy BlessYourHeart
Beautiful. I have trouble saying goodbye, and writing about it.
ReplyDeleteHello Dar..I have been thinking about you lately....that bald eagle of yours has me jealous
ReplyDeleteblessings to you also
Welcome Stephen, I love possums too. I used to want to be a poet..but I discoverd it's not about wanting..it's about craft
ReplyDeletefooey
The good ones make it look so effortless...but I know better now
How to express loss and goodbye in poetry without "saying" it..was a challenge---just as in writing
thanks for the visit
hope you visit my other blog sometime
-suz
powerful write...in loss we find ourselves still running those same routines hoping for a different answer...emo stirring...
ReplyDeleteMoving and poignant Suz and the Haiku is dynamite in its unwritten meaning
ReplyDeleteIt is a sad loss when a friend moves away....the heart is pulled with them and to let go..can be so painful...blessings...bkm
ReplyDeleteI have to admit, I like the concentrated form better. I believe it is rather more powerful because of it.
ReplyDeleteYou know how wordy I can be, I like the 1st version:)
ReplyDeletelooking at it again..still stinks
ReplyDeleteand the haiku like form
two hers...not good
Now they both can go back into the writer's box
..I knew there was a reason it was there so long..It made me feel better writing it..but it not a good poem
But Red, I can always count on you
thanks everyone for commenting
The sense of distance is palpable in the description - although I don't feel the piece is as strong as it could be. The flow isn't quite there in my eyes, and you're right, it does go on a bit long...but likewise, the Haiku, I feel, doesn't quite give us enough of the pain that wells from this. It needs a little something more. Just my thoughts - each are good starting points to build from, though, I think.
ReplyDeleteWhy cianphelan...thank you
ReplyDeletea poet who knows what they are talking about....it's bad
I thought if I posted it..it would reveal what's wrong with it.
I guess I can't kill my baby
the spilled words that I jotted in my notebook the day she left.
Like writing a story...you must always remember that STORY comes first. Not to let facts get in the way of it...
I really appreciate the feedback..come by anytime
now to see if you have a blog
Just got here -- you've captured the feeling. When I saw that giant truck and knew that it contained all of Josie's stuff and it and she were going all the way across the country ... oh, what an awful, empty, Final feeling.
ReplyDelete