mustard seed

...When I was a small girl, I wanted a necklace like this...a mustard seed locket

My best friend had one.

I never did get it.

I was reminded of it today while searching through my spice box

for thyme and dill weed for chicken soup that I was making early this morning....

The little red capped jar just stared at me

and I was back to 4th grade wanting that necklace

"Faith of a mustard seed"

I asked for a sign
Who would know that it would show up
on a cloudy,gloomy day
in the spice box?

Hang in there
all will be well
all will be what's meant to be.

...go ahead let the tears fall
..why do you think God gave us tears?
they wash us out from the inside
and sometimes it takes several car washes to bring relief
but relief does come
Well, this mustard seed locket wanting little girl
believes this.

I have tried everything,
nothing has helped
I went out today to distract myself from myself
I ran into a woman whom I haven't seen in 2 years
it wasn't pretty.....what a messed up family...all I could do was listen...
then I let a man cut in front of me....he seemed in a hurry
He was grateful....he talked nonstop..then dropped his 12 pack of beer
it flew everywhere
he became very upset...the poor kid who was sent for another 12 pack
couldn't find another one
The guy went off...threatening to sue....said the casr had fallen on his foot
I said...no it didn't....it didn't hit your foot
wrong thing to say
They got him another case and took him to write out a report
I heard him say he was going to sue the beer company, too
lordie...my heart was a pounding...and I dont need any help with that
already my heart is stressed...beyond what it is able to bare
In the old days.....a crave case would have helped
but as life goes on...life gets so very complicated
and sometimes un-bearable
But I can only put one foot in front of the other
and trust there is a path

Silent language of grief....Magpie tales # 100

Weighed down

held under

I gasp

but there isn't any air

only bubbles rising

pretending
 life

ah, we begin in salt...

and now I taste it again

 tears

that drown me



http://magpietales.blogspot.com/

"Tears are the silent language of grief." Voltaire

Celebrating 100 Magpie Tales
thanks  Tess Kincaid
for your efforts

Miss Laguna Beach goes to art class now
she skyped me to show me her art kit
Then little guy pushed his way to the camera to show me
he could write his name
and told me he doesn't want to go to school 2 days a week
Montessori....they make him take a nap
he doesn't want to nap...he's too busy doing things..wanting to do things
ha...oh to be little again....nap...yeah that sounds good
I hate being away from them...no... my heart aches for their little arms around me
for the sound of I love you grandma in my ears
I love being a grandma
but my heart right now breaks because I am a grandma
for a little one yet not born
may never be born
but none the less, is loved
and I can't skype her

caught
stuck
held

Things are back to normal.
I stocked up on cat food yesterday, cupboard full with canned and dry
always choices when it comes to my spoiled brat cats
 I would confess that Ms.Kitty O'Shea prefers Jewel rotisserie chicken,dark meat chopped fine,
but you might think me an enabler, so I won't.
I also came home with a few cat toy mouses and a squirrel feeder
!@!#@#! I know....but I love squirrels and I love birds and this feeder says that it
will keep the rascals busy so the birds can eat...I'll let you know
Then I went on to Goodwill
and found this necklace

It jingles when moved
yep, that one has my name on it
paid a buck for it
All in all a good day.

I am out of cat food.




Ms Kitty O'Shea is near rebellion

Abigail is slipping into depression

and Boo, he tried to run away this morning.

So it is off to Petsmart
and as long as I am out....:)

maybe I'll stop at Homegoods

Goodwill

the Bible thrift store

and Hobby Lobby

I know...I'm bad

Magpie tales # 98 Raging River

In the aftermath
I remember the destruction of your love
your torrent of  words
your irreparable erosion of  banks
your toppling of timbers
 into splinters of kindling
of despair


I could be tempted to be fooled
by the stillness of the reflection
you seek to whisper to me now
ignore the debris you left behind
travel the river of your love again
but I won't
for still waters
run deep, they say
and I ain't no fool

http://magpietales.blogspot.com/

The garden reflected in a single drop of rain that hangs from a trellis.
Life can be so simple , so beautiful, so quiet...sometimes.
Life on our first day of this new year. It is my husband's 63rd birthday today.
A new year's baby. ...a Capricorn
We had roast beef and boiled potatoes and green beans. Simple, beautiful
and the house was quiet...a sleepy kind of lazy day.
The kids are doing their own thing having seen and spoken to their father yesterday and this morning.
After our afternoon meal we talked about age. Are we old I asked him?
I don't know about old, but I think we are considered seniors....he said as easy as a gentle rain.
Oh lordie.....not me..not us....we just started.
Then he took his tea into the other room and I sat with the cat on my lap who was purring away.
....a good life....a good year past
hopefully, God willing..a new year ahead.
What do I wish to do this year...should I set goals.....ponder desires?
Maybe. I have an itch to pick up my illustrated discovery journal and begin again,
see what changes there are in my choices...unearth those desires
maybe  I will do just that.

Reflection in a drop of rain....good start.

The sun peeked out early this morning while I was washing the breakfast dishes.
Just outside my window are some white pines. One winter morning, about 3 years ago, I was doing the same thing,looking out of the window while doing dishes....and there in the pines were 3 long-eared owls.

This morning I thought of them,
 in fact, every winter morning I think of them...please come back...
I hope in my heart....but they have never returned.
I went for my camera to take a walk outside in the garden
to think a bit..to feel the sun on my face
But by time I got on my coat, found my camera and grabbed the bag of sunflower seeds
to fill the feeder...the sunlight had disappeared behind a sky of clouds
..so fast...in an instant...the light was gone...the sun had hidden its face
and the day looked different to me...and my anticipation waned
The deck boards were wet and the hulls of yesterdays seeds stuck to them like
debris....and the path was muddy and in some places squishy
and paper had blown around my beds...not a pretty sight
The temperature was pretty mild for the 31st of December
I remember some New Year's Eves it was almost 0
As I finished my walk around the yard, I looked up and saw the sunlight
trying desperately to break through
and I felt a rush of gladness.....the sun is always there even when I can't see it
I remembered the days of my youth sitting at the beach on a cloudy day...going home burnt to crisp
yes the sun is powerful and a constant of the day whether I see it or not
2011 is leaving....may your days be sunny...even when you can't see its light
may it warm you with its rising faithfully throughout this new year
and for Uma:

NOTES FROM THE OTHER SIDE
...Jane Kenyon

I divested myself of despair
and fear when I came here.

Now there is no more catching
one's own eye in the mirror,

there are no bad books, no plastic,
no insurance premiums, and of course

no illness. Contrition
does not exist, nor gnashing

of teeth. No one howls as the first
clod of earth hits the casket.

The poor we no longer have with us.
Our calm hearts strike only the hour,

and God ,as promised, proves
to be mercy clothed in light.

I wish you all a blessed New Year
full of love and peace

They say the gift to give is land....lakefront? :)

I  turned 61 recently

Last year I turned that decade of 60 and the earth didn't fall away

and the sun still came up, glorious as ever

And now, today, it is our 41st anniversary

Well I have to tell you ...that number- 41- looks good

youthful

Wish I had turned 41....the things I would do differently

If I had only known I could have.

Wonderful thing...knowledge

Last night I wrote down the things I wanted to let go of

I almost forgot to do this as I was hooked on watching Project Runway marathon

yes, I can be shallow....actually I say this is balance

I used to drink a glass of wine while doing this...now at 61...meds

sucks

Anyway....the first thing I did was to light the fire,then I sat and stared at it

thinking of all the loss I experienced this year and of the sorrow I felt for so many friends

who lost greatly

Take care of them God......and then I tossed this into the fire

Next I thought about the failures .... even at my age...failure

......and this I tossed into the fire

and of course I had to think of the times I couldn't keep my mouth shut

and said that extra word...sometimes words that stung just right...but so wrong

this I don't do often.....I have learned this lesson mostly...but even I can be pushed

even I stand on ice and stomp......this I threw into the fire with much repentance

and then there are the goals I failed to reach...

and the hurt I had to free...to depower

and of course the ordinary weight of things like:

 the failures in the garden

the drawers and closets I failed to clear out completely

the dinners I failed to host

the exercise I let slip away

the friends I failed to see

the novel I haven't finished

the poems that I failed to write down

the books..oh the books I haven't finished

so much to let go of

burn the regret

For tomorrow... I welcome in a new year

and a new start.... begin it with a happy heart

not a heart weighed down by life

clean clean clean

clear clear clear

A swept heart is ready for opportunity

to love, to live, to laugh, to give,to see joy

to have a kind word

a kind smile

a comforting manner

a compassionate hand

A swept heart is always ready

Glad I swept mine last night....

Now to enjoy my anniversary.....

and my husband's whistle clean heart

joy

It was a blue sky with whispers of pink that I awoke to,
how magnificient
So moved was I by this painting above that I stepped outside to stand under it
to look up and get lost in thought about its beauty
and then my neighbor dragged out his garbage cans
disturbing my joy
he waved
I pointed to the sky
he looked up and smiled,certain he had not seen what I was pointing to
It is a cultivated thing
this wu wei way of living
going with the flow of things,unpurposefully
becoming
Soon the pink gave way to gold rays
and I heard a school bus' squealing breaks just beyond my vision
and the moment was gone

Yesterday I spent the day putting away the christmas things
intent on focusing on the new year ahead
I used to belong to a group of women that I met with at this time of year
we would get together to talk about the year past
its regrets,its mistakes,its sadness
its failures....we would write them all on paper
then we would light a fire and toss them in
watch them vanish....begin a new year ...wiped clean
That is what I am going to do today....write these things down and in the evening
I will toss them in into the fire... and begin again
there is no other way
but this....begin again

Blaze...Magpie tale #96

how deeply she sought 

so deeply that she got lost

in diamonds,tycoons

a baseball hero,

and other women's husbands

burning her life's light

in sex and drugs

until crash and burn

leaving a debris field

as large as life

 her legacy a gouge in American life

 36 years long

and she never even liked the name

Marilyn

http://magpietales.blogspot.com

Christmas was always Christmas Eve
to us growing up
Mom was busy all day
dad sharpened the carving knife and got out the chairs
my brothers and I could hardly contain our excitement
for that night we knew the magic of Christmas happened
when we dressed in our costumes for the Nativity pageant
and the church was filled with wonder
candles all aglow everywhere
and the real 12 foot Christmas trees on each side of the altar
were decked out in large ornaments that dazzled our little hearts
and then the organ would play and Christmas became so real
a celebration and remembrance of the Christ child's birth
and as a little girl I remember
my heart swelling with tenderness
and a tear would sit at the rims of my eyes
so happy was I to be there
and then home....
a made dash to the tree
to see what Santa had brought
As the rest of the family merried around the house
One eve every year that was wonder incarnate
Merry Christmas
and to those who wait until Christmas Day
may your tomorrow be joyful
And to those who do not celebrate Christmas
may your day today and tomorrow be filled with light and joy
for it is a day which the Lord has given
blessings to you all
my blogger friends
and Happy Hanukkah

hunting

On a whim, with a heart full of whimsy

I headed to our local thrift store

I needed to hunt

I have a method when I go there

First the glassware

I love old glasses

then I wind my way to the back to the old furniture

and finally I take a glance at the junk room of misc

but I savor the best for last

the BOOKS

I always know

when someone has died recently

when they have cleaned out someones house...
they come in droves...that's how I got a Ms swanson collection of books on Van Gogh

Such was yesterday's stash of cookbooks..no name in any of them

Gold in dem dare woods

So with a nod of respect for the former owner

I grabbed a few and sat and looked through them

I look for the ones that have writing in them

I cherish these.....I found this one on leftovers

Not only did "she" write in it...noting favorites

but she had stashed numerous articles of recipes from old magazines

joy....I paid my $1 and headed home

along with a few other pieces of stuff that spoke to me

Don't you just love folded corners on a cookbook

a map of sorts

Whoever you were......know that I found your map

and I will indeed

Try this

after all you did mark it

very good 

 Done.
Now to sit back
relax
enjoy
the magic of light

Shadow Man...Magpietale # 96

I found this photo in a locked box

shoved in the back of my father's bureau.

I recognized the watch right away....he left it to my oldest son

and the raincoat was my mother's.

But who was the man standing, arms crossed protectively

over his chest,long black hair hitting his shoulders in a perky flip?

my father...my father...my father

The shadow

of the man

 I never knew

It was locked away

                       locked away

                                            ....locked away



http://magpietales.blogspot.com

 This photo was in our local PAWS shelter newsletter

Perked up my day

Now I hope someone sees a kitty in the clouds

just to keep it even

IT IS ONE OF THOSE DAYS...

ever have one?

when you fear saying the wrong thing

to the wrong person

at the wrong time

but you wished you could......!

A day when you can hear the very ice that you stand on

crack?

Have you ever had one of those days

when you just go ahead anyway

and stomp away

watch the crack spread like screeching fingers under your feet

...watch yourself slip

into the abyss....

and it felt good

despite everything?

Well

I'M having one of those days

magpie tale #95

++

 This morning, on my way into the hospital, I saw a hawk swoop down, talons out.

He dropped onto the ground

wings spread

and just as quickly, I saw him ascend into the large burr oak,

rabbit dangling from his claws

and I cried inside for the end of this life

even knowing it brought life to another

I despise pain...especially in others

I felt as helpless as a man sunk in sand up to his armpits

Rescue boat in sight

sand swirling around me drawing me in deeper

http://magpietales.blogspot.com/



 still on the mend

gripper socks for now

no tie

I remember very clearly the day I went over to my grandpa's house one December
expecting to see a Christmas tree in his tiny living room all decked out
in large colored lights,tinsel of the lead kind,and wonderful old glass and paper ornaments
I was shocked to see that it wasn't there.
"I'm tired of putting it up.." he said
Tired? of Christmas?
What will Christmas be without a well decorated tree??
And he never did put another one up.
Tradition......woe......gone in an instant and he had not a clue how this broke my heart
I just accepted it
Well, this year.....I had a flash of understanding
I was thinking of not putting up the tree....I do it all by myself..put up-take down
I'm tired and unfocused this year and we were not going to entertain at our house this year
(thank you daughters)
But my husband gave me a sideways glance when I told him all of this
So....being able to read his thoughts, and remembering that as a child he had none of that...I decided to put them up....two trees..despite myself
And low and behold.....we not only are celebrating Christmas here (a tad early)
but also 3 birthdays...and an anniversary
all because my husband unexpectedly had to have some work
 done on his heart last week and more tomorrow...
....not his emotional, loving heart...the muscle heart
he needed a good plumber

So there it was....a wonderful cheery Christmas tree and a nativity
and a house jammed with family and precious grandchildren
sharing...a comforting tradition
a reality that who knows if we all will gather next year
or ever again

I thought I had this lesson well learned

...but I wasn't going to put up the tree
 lesson put before me again
glad I did
 and all because of that one  glance

magpie tale #94.....

I watched as she glanced up and stared at herself in the lunchroom mirror,a brief realization

of self, and then she looked away downward, biting into her sandwich. She becoming one with the rest of the humans passing life away eating their lunch, lost somewhere in thought. Maybe they know that their fellow comrades in this endeavor are suffering loss,disillusionment,want,heartbreak or loneliness, and they have not one ounce of concern left to give to them, for their own plate at this meal of the spirit is full of fear and regret and a mounting heap of unpaid bills. Who has nourishment to share when ones own cupboard has only a morsel of dried bread?

 The occasional sounds of shifting waxed paper or the crushing of a paper bag are the only interruptions that bring a brief respite from all this gloom. I feel like an interloper as I scan the room looking for interaction of any kind...an opportunity to break into their solitary worlds..to ask if there is a Mr. Cronin in the room. No one looks up,and I am glad that he is not here...or if he is...I won't be the one to tell him that his wife has passed away. As I ask one more time...the woman that I saw look into the mirror for a brief second...  looks up another brief second at me..then looks back down. I think she knows something, but she prefers the world she was in.

http://magpietales.blogspot.com/

#94

Amazed... how well we speak without words
it is in a smile, in a hug held just a second longer
than before,
it is in the quiet laughter at what little miss does...
little miss who thinks she is here for her 5th birthday,
it is in the extra hands that clear the table,
it is in the glances at dad as he sleeps quietly on the sofa
during the Bears game
Speaking without words
how did we learn it?
this
powerful language of the heart



You made it happen
with your heart
a gathering of us all,
an unexpected flight home
We celebrated an anticipation
of another
we celebrated a milestone of a 2nd and 5th year,
and year 61
because of your heart we gathered
to acknowledge 41 years of being together
and someone's car broke down
and a tooth got knocked loose
and a foot cut
but because of your heart
we experienced this together
helping and caring for each other
the bond of family grew closer
and we saw that it could actually get closer
and we saw our granddaughter pray
and we saw them all together on the stairs
playing and sharing most of the time
because of your heart
all this happened
so suddenly
I'm glad you paid attention
and went to the ER
so all this could happen

We celebrated your beating heart

Discarded... joy

 Like a spring tulip, the discarded couch seemed to grow out of the dirty sidewalk

a bit of unintended joy on a city street

Many passed by,stopped to look at it, but kept walking

Even the street people seemed to be awed by its pinkness

Not used to seeing joy, they were confused by it

no one daring to be the first to claim it for the night

No, it stayed against the underpass wall, its feet planted in concrete

a shrine of the discarded 

http://magpietales.blogspot.com

#93



Hope you all had a wonderful day

me?.....I did
and now it is goodnight...sleep tight
see you in the morning

Boo

After rolling in catnip....a morning treat

Boo looked up to the patio door and spotted the stray kitty

who was eating a dish of tuna that I had put out for him while Boo was high

Now, in this altered state, Boo was looking for a rumble

oh yeah, he scared that interloper, that cad, outside on his deck.

Why... that kitty just shook in his puss n boots,

finished eating, and turned and left.

.....and Boo thought....yeah,I'm bad.



Magpie tale # 92.......

So into their love

they forgot they had children

and the children never learned

to have what they had,

but they searched all their loves

to fill that bucket that had no bottom

http://magpietales.blogspot.com

#92

I was taught as a child to pray without ceasing

As a child I was guided by my teachers to not put prayer to an hour of the day

or to use it just in times of disaster,pain,wants,needs, loneliness or sorrow

no...prayer is a continuous communion with God

and it has been for all my life.....

So gratefulness is easy ....counting my blessings is like breathing

I am never without a listener....who knows before I speak

I am grateful that most Americans set aside this day to gather with their families

or with their friends or animals to stop and think of what blessings they have in their lives

A day to not count the lack

but to gladly bow their heads and say thank you

My daughter, Sarah, and her husband are doing the cooking this year

thank you

I will be making pies and a pumpkin cheesecake

I got off easy

So get out your notebooks,journals, scratch-paper

I am grateful for.....

 

It is quiet in the house and I am about to make a small supper for my husband.

The sun is setting so wonderfully just outside the kitchen window,cheering me to a warmth

of  being. A purple finch is perched on the horsechestnut tree sunning himself...kindred spirit.

In the early years my husband and I were as poor as churchmice. We ate simply then,

and we eat simply now. One of his favorites is meatballs, rice and corn. I know...a bit too much starch,but it is one of those meals that brings a smile on his face when he lifts the lid.

His smiles have always been important. I am blessed with a partner who is grateful.

So as I mix the ground meat with breadcrumbs,seasoning,egg and onion

...I feel like the bird on the twig outside

...happy

how quickly they grow

just bragging a little

boo hoo I miss them

#91 magpie tales

Life is a minefield of choices,

often opposites facing each other.

 It is with foggy vision that we trust

and sit or 

 keep going on ,fumbling and stumbling through.

And sometimes we run out of chairs and the music stops

and we have to sit on the only chair

 that is left

http://magpietales.blogspot.com/

his name carved in stone

the maple leaves turned scarlet

there's death and there's death

http://magpietales.blogspot.com

#90

 typewriter and desk

a stack of crumbled paper

the frustration room

http://magpietales.blogspot.com

#89

Harvest

comes in many ways

even without our knowing

and for this I give thanks

so much done for me

and mine  without our merit

it is only grace

and mystery