A gift from a friend

Do you think she was trying to tell me something?

rush rush rush

Lately that's seems to be my method of operation....rush
But I did manage to get my nails done yesterday
and I did lose 4 lbs this morning..well not this morning...I weighed myself this morning...down 4 whole pounds
It only goes to show that when you are deliberate in what you do
you enjoy results
now if I can only figure out a way to get back exercising
can't fit in a pilates classs...wrong times
not yoga either
I will work on that one too...fitness is an essential practice
but for now...it's flying out the door to see Finn...he weighs 13 lbs now!
I do walk him in the stroller..
does that count...I wonder?

From Tallgrass Writer's Guild's Black and White Anthology

The subject matter of the anthology was "wild things"
this was my take on that:

ANNIVERSARY MEAL

We were eating medium rare prime rib,drinking Diet Cokes
when they walked in
dressed in black leather,fringed vests,boots and bandanas
They took two tables and banged them together
moved chairs around as they pleased
On of them, handsome, with salt and peppered long hair
tied behind his head in a ponytail
flung his chair around, straddled his long legs over it
...as if her were mounting a horse
I tried to ignore them,
but I kept looking over
drawn to the fun they were having
as they slapped hands,talked loudly,and swore
with abandon,throwing their heads backwards with laughter,

as we ate our meal quielty.

How many meals have I eaten this way?

They were drinking beer out of bottles,
including the one woman with them
whose tee shirt was torn
just above her left breast;
there,tattooed,a slivered moon with indigo stars
Large silver hooped earrings skimmed her neck
as she leaned over to the long-legged guy
kissed his lips...like a porn star

The waitress brought us two more Diet Cokes
...asked if there was anything else
she could get us...

I don't think they have new lives in that kitchen

So, I politely said  No, raised my glass
watched
as the bikers clinked their bottles.

**

A peek at Galena country

I promise next time I will take a non filled camera!  But I did manage to get a few pictures to give you a glimpse of how it looks in Galena...these are not the best vistas by far...next time

Today I'm heading back up north for a day with Finn.
After Mary Ann's knowlegeable adjustment in my attitude...I go with wings on my feet
knowing when I step done again....I will be in a different place in the waters of life.of course!
These very things that interrupt our lives change us most of the time for a reason

Can you see my raised foot?
 This foot over the water of my life?

there are bells and seashells twined around my ankle
with one little turquoise bead hanging down
across my ankle bone
see it?

Back from Galena

I hope you had as wonderful a February weekend, filled with love and beauty, joy and love as I had.
It was the great backyard bird count this weekend....though we did not officially enter...we counted.
In one 15 minute segment of time we counted
8-Blue Jays
5- Crows
2-Downy woodpeckers
1-Hairy woodpecker
6-cardinals
10- Juncos
5-Titmouse
2- Nuthatches
1-redbellied sapsucker
5-Chicidees

It was bird central on our deck!

Early in the morning deer were walking through our yard looking for scraps left from the feeder.
I took some pictures of their tracks...so beautiful on the snow with all the shadows.

I wish I could show you how amazing the night sky is here.....brilliant with stars! 
They treasure the darkness in Galena.....I hope that remains...For it is a wonder to behold....something you don't see above you in urban areas...too much light pollutions.
 In the summer I love to sit on the deck and watch the sky...and watch for shooting stars.....But it is winter now....so I watch for tracks in the snow istead. 
They tell a story but, I am not good at figuring out why all of a sudden the tracks stop...and mish around and then take off again...or when two different track bisect....who blinked I wonder....
In town there were many famliies enjoying the long weekend. It was almost festive. Of course I shopped..got some very nice jewerly.
 In one shop..one of my favorite "junk shops" I found an old incense burner...so cool...with chains and charcoal and monastry blend of incense..but hey, I could be burning grass for all I know..it's in this funny looking metal can.....I'll give you an update.
 I also bought the neatest copper and siver hammered plate with an Aztec figure on it....now where will I put that? I don't know but it called to me as did a painting of a half nude women draped in shades of beige,green,red,and periwinlke!
We love the merchants in town and visiting their shops is like hanging over the back fence. We know so many by now that they trust us with local gossip..What fun.
The best thing about our weekends there is how my hubby acts...like a young dude again.  Money can't buy that. We are two happy people strolling the streets of Galena.
One lady said I was cute when she saw me trying on a necklace.
I smiled, then looked at my husband..."Cute?... I'm not sure about that?"
He looked at me and said, "It's harder for a woman of your age (grrr!) to be cute then to be beautiful."
I think that was my Valentine.

I still have my foot up over the water......Mary Ann, my blogger friend, Blue Sky Dreaming, so wonderfully explained to me that when it comes down (after all my loving obligations are done) my foot will not touch water at the same place.
Wow. Thank you Mary Ann.  She is right. Where I am now in my daily rhythm has changed my current.
I rose to the occassion- and today brought my own mother along  - whose foot will not step down in the same spot either.
Three generations of women in one room with one baby..feet up out of the water
having a serious talk..and I mean serious talk..about motherhood and life
and how the choices have changed
but really are the same emotionally
What a challenge and priviledge it is...
and how one can lose oneself in the process
simply disappear..call it sacrifice...good intention
..the right thing to do....
losing oneself is never good
for anyone
I guess the trick is to never start losing yourself
but be aware that you are woman
a sensual,thinking creative woman
and to nuture that part of you forever 
My daughter is struggling with all that is on her plate
and with the help of her mother and grandmother
I know she will be just fine....

out of the stream of "life' for a while
but able to step right in and travel the waters again
in a new place
like her mom and grandmother

I'm going to watch Shirley Valentine today.
 Now, I am a happily married woman,with wonderful married,successful children. I want for nothing. But still there are days...
used to be a lot of days
where I wanted to just run away.
It took me a long time to figure out what that what was and where it came from....
I was happy..why should feelings of wanting to run away stir within me?
It's about knowing who you really are..what you're made of

I Love this quote from Jack Kerouac:
No man should go through life without once experiencing healthy even bored solitude in the wilderness, finding himself depending soley on himself and thereby learning his true and hidden strength

The movie,Shirley Valentine, possesses this very feeling.
After talking to many people throughout the years, I have discovered that this feeling is very common.
But few go on to experience this wilderness
that Kerouac speaks of
Or have the courage that Shirley Valentine has
leaving her comfort zone
Discovering things that held her back
were misinterpreted by her all along
...braving to be alone
I can't go to Greece right now or the wilderness
But I can mentally go where I need to go
Dare to travel the thoughts of desire
Go to the wilderness of my own fear

Shirley Valentine

yes,,,,,,,,today

blah blah blahs

my alter ego

Oh, I have a bad case of the blahs....winter seems longer than married life.
And the extra nine inches of snow hasn't helped.
the driving up north everyday hasn't helped...though I'm glad to
but sometimes the traffic is just all too much
I get home...ready to eat the refrigerator
the cats want attention
the mail has to be opened
 I have to run to the cleaners or the drugstore
or grocery
then hubby comes homes
dinner to be made
and on and on...and on

Whether we work fulltime
or are retired or a student
we have ryhthmns
life ryhthmns
and mine is off
I have been flailing about

I need to figure out a new rhythmn
until I can return
to the rhythmn I thrive in
and maybe by then
it will be Spring!

** :)

Scary,huh?

Begin again....getting harder. Just look at all those wrinkles and droopy lids.
I wanted to be at goal weight by Feb. ...not looking good.
Maybe it's the dreary weather...
maybe it's the overbooked life
maybe maybe maybe

I really had to have a good talk with myself this morning
Remember what worked?..why have you abandoned those ways?
I'm hardly even writing anymore....
I'm shutting up
I'm ignoring
I'm letting it roll off my back
It never is about dieting
never
never
never
It's about living true
it's about not swallowing feelings...good or bad ones
it's about expression
expression expression
Whether I do it with my clothes
my jewelry
my shoes
my writing
my artwork
my living
it is always expression
of self...the self only I know is real
and wants out

My choices right now are not expressive
in a creative way
and that is crucial for me
I am a creative person
a wild at heart person
a rule breaker
a gypsy
a wanderer
a sensual being
a devourer of life
who isn't
right now
One look in the mirror and I knew...
it showed on my face
it wasn't the years...though they are packing on
but it's not about age.. one bit
I know this
I had to love myself enough to have this talk
get your ass back expressing
or you will die
bit by bit again
and that is not the kind of
begin again I want
It is not either or...
know this Susan
your sadness is of your own making
begin again
you know the way
go there

My son turned 35 on Saturday. how could this have happened so quickly? He was the funniest little boy you could ever hope to meet. Loved by everyone. Still is.
He has always loved warm..hot..weather.  During college years,home on break..he left me a note one morning.."Me and Bill are off to Hawaii. I'll call."  That's him...a risk taker.
I guess that's why he decided to start his own company and move to California
...I mean..move to the beach.
He married the most wonderful woman in the world for him...for anyone. She dreams with him.
I wish I would have had some of his free spirit growing up....but he was born that way..from the very start..one toe over the line...always pushing past his comfort zone....I love that about him.
A dream follower.
A risk taker
A believer in himself

a good son.....

I had the best time at the party today. So many wonderful friends,paper,glue,stickers,hole punches and valentines everywhere. Valentines bring out the best in women....we are the feeling component of creation.
So many ways to express love.
So many there at the party forgot their troubles for 4hours.
When I got home my husband was out running errands,the cats were sleeping and I was alone to clean up all the mess from making valentines last night. I put on a little music, made myself a cup of tea and lovingly returned all my collagy stuff back into the bins...for next year.  You should know me by now...this made me weepy.
 Next year...no one promises tomorrow let alone next year. Our friend Patty was with us last year,I drove her home....last time I saw her.  She had been ill on and off for over a year....and last year she was feeling good enough to come to the party. She had a fun time mixing around with everybody. All the way home in the car she talked about making valentines..how much fun it was..and what a pain in the ass it was...that was her....God love her...I mean it...God please Love her...she was one of a kind.
So, knowing how my mind seems to wander in a connecting kind of way.....I sat down and looked out the window at the fresh white snow and blue skies.....thank you for love I said out loud....to God
Thank you for the friends I enjoyed today...
.and for the ones with troubles of the aching heart kind and the aching body kind....love them too, God.
Handsome hasn't been around in days.....
he could use a little of your love too....

**

Tomorrow I Party

Well, they're done..all 30 of them.

Prayers today and tomorrow for Bethany who is saying goodbye to her dear dog, Casey, tomorrow.
Most of us know how difficult this is...saying goodbye to one we love...a beloved companion.
I only know Bethany through blogland, but I have found her very endearing, gentle,wise and funny.
Casey must have taught her most of that.

God be with her tomorrow on her long ride
keep her safe
...send a cute angel to ride shotgun all the way back home
and bless her

Tagged!

Pink Dogwood Blossom tagged me. Oh my gosh...what's happened?  Tagged..whaaat now?
I guess she likes visiting and has tagged me for an award....shucks. Thanks...I think!?!?
Now I have to tell everyone (7) things about myself you don't know.

1) I have three married children, two daughters, one son. I also have three grandchildren. Two-one girl, one boy- live in Laguna Beach, California. The other,a baby boy, lives in Chicago.
2) I have been married 39 years
3) I love shoes, belts,  jewelry....and clothes
4) I love being with strong, confident women
5) I love Shirley MacLaine and Goldie Hawn movies
6) I am a rock hound
7) My life is my art

Boy, that was fun.
Now to tag a few blogs that I love to follow...

April's Art
Life in Red Shoes
 Jenny Matlock
Lesa

Now.....I'm old and I am new to this blogging thing..so I hope I got those addresses right...
And like my friend Goldenbird ...there are so many wonderful blogs that I follow....I only give you a few
that I enjoy...
Bless all the Bloggers I follow

only five more to go

My dear friend is having a Valentine's party on Saturday. She has been having one for years.
It started with a suggestion from the book, Simple Abundance, of gathering with some friends for a Valentine's tea to make valentines. Well, she stepped up to the plate that year and hosted the first of many..lost count now.
We were 10 then....now we are over 30 in number. We started out making them at her house, but now we come with valentines in hand and at her house we make a project or additional cards for our families while eating treats and drinking tea...and then we are treated to a fabulous lunch.
How she does it with such love, I don't know...but she is one of a kind...wished there were more like her...the world needs more like her....loving, selfless,nuturing,encouraging..and such an artist.
But 30...? That's a whole lot of valentine making!
At first when the group was small....I made real cards...directed to the indivdual friend....but 30?...even I'm not that good..hehe
So the last few years I have cheated by doing tags about love......bookmarks as I see them
First I collect words....do you know how hard it is to find the word LOVE in magazines?
Then I search for backgrounds
next I haul out all my collage stuff...and I mean stuff
For weeks I assemble...uh...but this year...I am not home much...problemmm!
So .... I am still not finished...I have 25 assembled...5 not started
but there is so much more work to complete them all...you see... the artist in me
is not happy with just put together...it most say something
and it must be balanced in color and compostion
...oh this one's not right and that one needs some gold and oh my that one is boring!
Oh the critic within!
My dear husband asked me if I was coming to bed last night...it was 11:15pm.....I go to bed at 9:30 (I'm old)
I started to tell him all my complaints about my work....and he looked at me like I had three heads
"They're just Valentines...really"
Really...really?.....well, I know who's not getting one this year...
at least not a homemade one!

I gave a hug
was it enough
enough to reach
that spot of impending
destiny that punctures
what is
and will be no more
can a hug
really help
a breaking heart
a heart that
holds
so much love
 now
much pain
is a hug enough
  held just long enough
 that words do not come
not even in release

***

Native Americans had names for most full moons. The first full moon in January was called the Wolf Moon.

The Wolf Moon in Galena was beautiful.
I sat in the dark and stared out the window as hubby slept. It was like a bright lantern in the sky illuminating the dark bare woods. 
The woods didn't look so dense in this wash of light. I hoped I would see deer strolling in this heavenly light...but no not a one.
The night was a still as death.
 Death. I have dreamdt of death lately and it sort of haunts me. Grief in me has gained a comfortable numbness...it abides in a quiet place...deep dark quiet... like these woods.
But this wolf moon has stirred something very deep. They say the wolf moon is a time for a gathering of family...hungry wolves howled at night..food scarce they depended on each other for survival.

This was a time for me for silence
for sitting by the fire of myself
as winter howled around me and in me...
The first full moon of January is also called Cold moon, quiet moon, snow moon
yes,all of that

I guess it wasn't  the moon
but the woods..the laid bare woods
empty woods
Empty....what a powerful word

 Food for our souls and beings
 is scare in the time of deep winter
 Family is so important
for us humans also

Let's howl
let's howl at the moon
watch our breath drift upward

Galena...I'm coming

Tomorrow it's off to Galena...the place of my heart..the place that always calls me..the place I'm sad to leave. Haven't been there since October...can you believe that...no time for some place so important.
I hope the deer and wild turkeys and various other wildlife are still there. Oh and the ferral kitties that my Swedish neighbor feeds...I hope they are well. My neighbor is a good soul...an elderly good soul...she has the kindest heart and way about her. How would those kitties survive without her kind heart?
This will be a fast house check...we have to be back on Sunday night. Besides I have my own wards to look after here.
In case you are wondering...Handsome is sort of making a recovery. It's been rough. I know, because he sleeps in his house all night...something he doesn't do. His foot seems to have gotten better, he can walk on it with a limp. But his poor eye is swollen shut and is oozing. He doesn't seem to be able to eat. I have been giving him warm milk and water and some warm canned cat food..which he tries to eat. Oh how I want to get him in. I swear if he makes it through this..I will trap him and take him in to at least get fixed. I will have one shot at it...if I fail..or spook him...I know He will feel betrayed and may not come back. But this winter has just been so bad for him. ..and me
Anyway, that is why I don't feel bad about coming home so soon. The house will understand.
 It will be happy to see us....you don't believe me, do you? Well, I'm telling you..this house knows....it has a presence about it...honest.

Last weekend...Soxfest....that's a White Sox Fan gathering....it was fun. I'm not really that kind of fan..but I knew my guy...Bill Melton ..would be there..so it was fun stalking the place to get a look....and I did! and a signed ball!   He's old like me..older...I hope anyway.
and Dreamgirls.....well....no memorable song..and I sat next to a beast of a woman...but it was a fun night out with friends..and I always love the theater

But tomorrow....I go where I am called

then home again on Sunday where I am needed.
and of course...delayed art work again
and writing...delayed..
what's a girl to do? Okay...begin again

Oh...did I tell you a huge red fox ran out of my evergreens in the backyard this morning?
well..it did...

My path has taken a turn...and that's okay..I'm needed.  But I feel it all the way to my shoes..literally...I've been wearing ugly shoes!
Now, I must keep on top of this or I will wander aimlessly on this sidetracked path forever
 before I even realize I've gone nowhere..even backwards
..  lost..again.
So how do I do this...keep in my conscious mind
  the real path, the real journey
It takes being deliberate
I must
write
read
draw
paint
plan my meals
walk
meditate
be still
observe things inside of me and outside
if even in small ways

I bought a garden magazine yesterday
I'm dreaming...planning
thinking of redoing a section of my garden
for meditation....with lots of stones and rocks
Layers blog has led the way for me there
to the rocks..to the stones
I have them sacttered all around my garden
now I will collect them in a place of honor
That is how I stay on the path..the journey
I am making valentines..30 of them..each an expression of love
in some way...made by me..for a friend
That is howI stay on the path
I styled my hair, put on my favorite earrings,
picked out my cute shoes that go with my chosen outfit
..cleaned and moisturized my face..put on some makeup
all to watch my little grandson...
That is how I stay on the path
I read three poems this morning,
fed Handsome,the birds, the squirrels
took a walk outside to feel the air...so fridgid
but I breathed in the air of this day
That is how I stay on the path
It is the little things of living
that keep us on our path
So off I go
with a happy heart
to serve
to love
to connect
This path is pretty good too

I excavated my discovery journal and found this:

A picture worth a thousand words
on this cold gloomy
long dull day of winter

weariness does not
have a head to lift
nor hands to fold
or feet to shuffle

but rather seeks

in the blue of the sky
in the stirring of water
in the bending of a branch
in the silence of a stone
a body to possess


***

Fun weekend... I hope

I'm off to have a fun weekend with hubby. Tonight we are headed downtown to participate in Soxfest..I think that's what it's called. We are staying in the hotel for the night and then tomorrow we'll meet some friends and head off  to the theater to see Dreamgirls. I'm not huge Supremes fan...but some of it will take me back to the days when I was young and thought I knew everything. Not a bad place to visit..since now I know  I hardly know anything. I had to run out early this morning to get my roots done...
Had to pack clothes for events...ick.....stilll not at goal weight...all right far from goal weight. But I say YES to life and snug clothes will not stop me from having a great time with HIM and FRIENDS.
Rather I'll let it be a reminder to stick to it.
Will I be able to meditate at the hotel?
probably not...but I can people watch. Why I remember one night when my old artist way group spent a night downtown to see Wicked  (LOVED IT) We peopled watched. It was the best evening I had for years. We tried to guess what the people did for a living.....then it got silly......Oh I miss them
Well anyway...back to the tight clothes....it's whats inside that counts..what's inside that shines...
yes life yes life........no one promises me tomorrow.......yes life
diet monday

kiss hug...I'll be thinking of you all

The Writing Closet

No I don't write in the closest.
I have to clean the closet. The one in my writing room.
I must.
Not because it is stuffed to the ceiling with notebooks and class handouts or books..oh, so many books.
No, I have to clean it out because I am not that person anymore.
It is the closet that holds the stages.
It is painful to look at what crap I wrote.
It is embarrasing now to read the poem that rhymed.
Oh Lordie, this is way past due.
But if I do not purge...it is there... stagnant remnant of what I was or tried to be.
the confessional poetry
the awful sonnets
the novel with 5 chapters that still waits...it won't be long....OUT!
And the handouts....I never read half of them when they were handed out!
I counted 50 notebooks.....10 journals....one word collecting book
one book for collecting found language and overheard conversation
Do you believe that?
I can't leave this for my children to go through....or my husband...he's featured in a few pieces
Not that I plan on going anywhere soon...but you NEVER know...
So let me be the decider of what they will ponder over
The notebooks...saved in the imaginary writer's box....it would take an archeological dig to find the why of the original thoughts..the experiences..
bits and scraps of feelings
of pain
of desire
of sorrow
of grief
of heartache
heartbreak
anger
judgement
lonliness
hurt

I dropped my bucket down that well
because that is where the real stuff is
and I found I had it all.
...and writing..especially with a #2 pencil...
filled that bucket that I hauled up
and tried to fashion writing out of it.

Oh don't get me wrong
there's good stuff
I'll keep that
the good poems that still stir me when I read them like they were written by someone else
the funny short stories...especially Large Marge..I'll keep all her stories
Where did she come from?  A gay, motorcycling, tall, redhead that bowls...
But really
it's time

That which you manifest is before you

***********************************************************************************

My crown is in my heart,
not on my head,
Nor decked with diamonds
and Indian stones,
Not to be seen:
My crown is caled CONTENT:
A crown it is,that seldom kings enjoy
                              -----William Shakespeare

******************************************************************************************************

I had lunch today with my book club,The Bookies.
We read the book "The Art of Racing in the Rain" by Garth Stein
If you haven't read it..please do
It is a story about life
It is a story about a dog named, Enzo
You will never forget Enzo

After our meeting we went to a Chinese Bistro
and had so much fun laughing and talking
about everything.
I left so content
content with my life
good friends
good book
good discussion
good food
It doesn't get much better

not even for a king

He's coming for a visit

Little Finn is now 9lbs 4 oz. Wow, that mama's milk must be real good.
What a joy he is to me. His mama keeps him smelling so sweet and so clean. You remember that smell?
It won't be long and he'll be going to school
and off to college
getting married
buying his first house
becoming a dad himself
Praise the Lord

But today he is only coming for a visit
and I won't tell his mother about all his plans

:)

When Susie met Mary

How much my life has changed since I began saying yes to it.

I was happy.
But how different that is to living.

Today is one of those gloomy winter days. Blah
So I said yes..I went out to breakfast with my good friend Mary. I can tell her anything. She is a vault....a good listener.
But this was a fun meeting.  Fun...nothing like it.
We caught up on what was happening with our kids. Ended by saying we have no power there. Our husbands have been friends for over 30 years...even less power there.
We are mellowed friends.
The waitress started to put these two huge plates of pancakes heaped high with strawberries and whipped cream in front of us...then realized that they belonged to the two women behind Mary.
Poor Mary she almost got whiplash following those pancakes. We both laughed like school girls. "I'll have what she's having " I said  ( hey..almost as good as sex!)

"Camera!" I said searching through my purse.
"She's going to make you famous.. Mary said...she's got a blog and she's going to put a picture of that on her blog!" ( Mary made it sound like I had a weapon)
I forgot my  camera!
The women laughed as much as we did.
We lost count of how many cups of coffee the waitress poured us...each time sharing a laugh with us.
Finally the two pancake chics got up and came over to us and we talked for another 10 minutes about having girlfriends.
Girlfriends....yes!


:)

Bloggers

My friend April introduced me to blogs. Her's was the first one I ever read. I learned so much about her that I never knew...who has that much time to spend together? But it was the small things about her day that were the most interesting...and how she felt about things.  Really.who shares that in person?  Then she invited me to join the online Artist Way group she was in....April knew that I had belonged to a small group that met in our homes.  Hey, there is always room to learn more about yourself..so I joined in.
 From there I got to learn about the group's individual blogs...some I enjoyed..some not.  I am a devourer of life...I want feelings..passion..sharing...conversation...insight...thinkers.  But what I did find was other blogs on their blogs and so on and so on. Usually it would be a comment someone would leave that I would say "Kindred spirit?" 
It has opened a whole new world to me.
 The first Artist way group I belonged to ..we were all strangers..with very diverse backgrounds in income,education,and interests. That made all the difference for me. 
Blogging is like that
I usually leave a comment...I want the connection  or I wouldn't bother following. Something in their blog touched me. I invest.
And blessed am I if the feeling is returned.
I add and cut my blog list frequently
There are too many out there to waste time on someone's who is only into themselves and worship
Move on
Connection...So many wonderful people out there..who blog..who I think want what I seek..
connection...that personal sharing of the mundane of our lives that actually reveals so much about our lives. They get it.
I love thoughtful and thinking souls
thank God so many of them blog

I guess there is so much more at 59, that I desire to know
I want to challenge myself..learn about my own fear
live more fully
be more present
dare to think of myself in new ways
possibilities

So you may find me sitting at your feet
wanting to learn from you
Thank you, fellow blogger, you know who you are.

Go where you fear

Have you ever found yourself saying "I hate this or I hate that?"
Look there
Have you met someone you have a strong reaction to?
look there
Are there things you say you will never do or try?
look there
Have you ever said "I do not like her."?
look there
Fear is a mirror to look in to
what is it that you really reflect?
what is it that you really feel?
What is it that you are vehement about that this is not for you?
Look there

Fear closes doors, erects walls
closes us up tight
from real growth

Look there

Listening

I have a notebook where I write down quotes that stop me. Words, I love words that spin and weave and bob and sail.

"Listening is a magnetic and strange thing, a creative force.
Think how the friends that really listen to us
are the ones we move toward, and we want to sit in their radius
as though it did us good,
like ultraviolet rays."
                                                 -Brenda Ueland


 Do you have a friend or friends like this? 
I do. But I didn't always.
And from them I learned to be a listener.
Listening takes your mind off of yourself
Really listening unfolds petals of empathy
and compassion from your being

The world could use more listeners

A cat named Handsome

Will I be able to get this old rascal through another winter?
He showed up this morning unable to stand on all fours. His eyes were watery. He has the most awful meow...sound like an old cement truck. But he knows I feed him and that I have shelter for him...this winter with a heated outdoor pad.

When I got up this morning, like every morning, I open the drapes and look out to see if he is there. He hasn't been coming that regularly in this cold weather. Well this morning as soon as I opened the drapes he came out of his house.limping . He couldn't put any weight on his front paw. He's been through worse, but there is something different about him now.
He looks like he wants to give up.

I rush some hot chicken out to him and he moves away as usual. He only comes near if I go inside. He gulps down every bite. He stands and looks in the door....which mean...more,please. I oblige....he stares again....I give him some dry food and some warm water. He drinks almost the whole bowl of water...then a few bites of dry food. Back into his house for about 15 minutes. The next time I look he's sunning himself on 3 legs....fourth paw held up close to his body. As I go to open the door to try and get a look at him..he hobbles off of the deck into the snow and is gone.......

He deserves a good warm house and a warm soft chair and 3 square meals a day.....but he's afraid
If only he could talk and tell me how he happened this way.

Two night ago in the late evening I looked out to see a very large long haired orange tabby outside eating Handsome's dry food.
Oh another poor soul.
Maybe he and Handsome have met already
The orange tabby saw me and fled just like Handsome did
It's taken me years to get him not to run completely away....
I have even gotten him to come just inside the door
but he will forever be unownable
if only I can get him through this winter

How's a girl supposed to get any rest?

Twice yesterday something large hit a window in my house. Harry Hawk! I thought. I dragged my sick body off of the sofa to see what had hit the window so hard. One look out the window at the squirrel hiding under the snow shovel...told me all I needed to know. I stepped outside to chase what I knew I would find, probably hiding in some branches, Harry.
Well, low and behold, bells of hell, it wasn't Harry..It was a gigantic red tailed hawk. He lifted off of my roof only to return 3 times. No wonder no one is eating the birdseed. I did what I could...but by the third chase off..I think he had his eye on me!

Well..........I just heard this loud slam in my family room...and good golly miss molly!..there teetering on my skylight was the hawk..looking right in at me! I yelled very loud...Webster,Kitty,and Abigail flew for their hiding places...
CAMERA..I thought...but he flew away.   Camera in hand I went to the upstairs bedroom to see if he was out there....Oh yes he was...hiding in the pines...damn..my photo card was full...as I tried to delete some photos ...he flew off....that magnificent red tail fanned right in my face.
He flew up high so fast and began to flap those beautiful wings I just stood there watching as he flapped away. 
What am I saying..beautiful? He's a killer. He is trying to get one of my wards!
oh...now I'm really sick.  I better go lay back down.
Oh no....do you think he might get Handsome?
oh woe

My cat,Webster

This is Webster.
He kept me company most of the day
sharing the sofa with me.
But he doesn't know how to make tea or warm up a bowl of soup.
But he is a good foot warmer.

Cold,schmold

I was just sort of bragging to my daughter over Christmas that I never get sick.
Well...you know what happened.  Lousy cold.
Out came the tea,oranges,lemons, and of course homemade chicken soup.
If you can call it that. Somehow I didn't have the energy to make it the right way
I just sort of boiled some chicken,threw in some onion, garlic, dill, celery, and a few noodles
for good luck. Not the same as making it for someone else.
Take it easy,Susan, I said to myself. You've been chasing all over the Chicago area for weeks
stop
rest
So easy to tell someone else..especially my children
but I had chores to do
and calls to make
I got so busy being busy I almost forgot that I was feeling sick
Take your vitamin C? my husband asked
No, I said, that doesn't work
Then why do you make me take it when I have a cold?
Cause it works for you..I said
A little wine I said  wouldn't hurt
my grandfather swore by Old Granddad... or Rock and Rye ...can you still get that stuff?

Cold schmold
Kleenex? Whose got the Kleenex?

Sit

This morning I awoke to wonder. It was quiet and the snow was coming down like downy feathers.

A time to sit.

SITTING

"If you feel spiritually empty,visit a winter gardencloaked in barrenness.
Underfoot is hope stirring,alive,warming itself without expectation.
The fallen fruit has melded with the compassion of Earth.
In your soul, too, is a season called grace,
and therein lies the seed of a new spring,
where life has a chance to blossom
again.
It is okay to sit on the garden bench and pray with such realization
for your emptiness has led your footsteps
to such a holy sanctuary
to such a sacred place in time."

-MIASHA
 quoted from the book
 The Sanctuary Garden by Christopher McDowell & Tricia Clark McDowell

**********************************************

I do not feel empty,but full.
But, still I feel a desire to just sit
and take in the wonder of this winter snow
through my kitchen window...
become more full.

As is my practice, I awake with prayer
for another day
grateful for what I have
I whisper the names of those who
I put before Him
...heal them,
...bless them
...protect them
...guide them
...comfort them

Then I arise to start the day given me.

Coming down the stairs early this morning I was greeted by glorious quiet fluffy snow
There is a large window I can look out of as I descend
Like a child I smiled...but inward
that rose outward
I rushed to get my camera
to try and capture the wonder
But can a camera really capture joy in ones heart?

****************************************************

"If the sight of blue skies fills you with joy,
if a blade of grass springing up in the fields has power to move you,
if the simple things in nature have a message you understand,
rejoice
for your soul is alive."

...Eleanora Duse

Sit Susan,
sit and be still.

Looking for green..

I GOOFED...THIS POST SHOULD BE ON MY GARDEN POST..BUT I'M RACING OUT THE DOOR THIS MORNING AND DON'T HAVE TIME TO FIX IT..SO ENJOY MY RAMBLINGS!

My white pines
My husband and I had a disagreement about planting them. He would have preferred a hardy sticky needle pine or Blue spruce.
Me..I wanted softness and breeze indicaters...waving branches like ballerinas.
I won. We did plant too many and three have since died. I tried everything to save them. But that is life. And so in the garden.
Green...lovely green
Last year, the end of January, three Long eared owls roosted in them for two weeks.
Can you believe my shock...owls! and three?

A wee poem from that day;

A Cold January Morning

Warm water over my hands
rushing to do the morning dishes
...only the beginning of gifts
Outside on a branch I thought I saw
ears sticking through pine needles
I flew to the patio door, from there,
I observed on the lowest branch, an owl
Who
will believe me, I thought,
a long earred owl roosting
in my suburaban yard?
His eyes were closed,his beak tucked
A breeze stirred him and that's when I caught sight
of another pair of "ears"just above him..
a smaller version of the first owl, fast asleep
Fearful to make any movement
lest they unwrap and fly away
I, too,remained still on my perch

Looking for Green

Oregon Grape holly..the birds are crazy over them. The robins love to belly up to the bar in late summer. It is hysterical watching them fly into each other,drunk with pleasure of the grape. The holly also has a beautiful yellow cluster of flowers,at just the right time in the garden,when color is a bit missing in the garden.
This holly is a volunteer along the side of my house....lovely seeing a shot of green. These plants need protection from winter winds..this one looks far better than the ones out front. Must be the warmth and shelter of the brick.

A wee poem

Rising Early to Make Coffee

It is a cold and clear morning
the street is empty

Pink sky pushes
the indigo of night away

I press my face
to the cold window glass

My breath,
like a ghost appears

I am six again
waking to magic ice swirled panes

Grandma says, "Jack Frost came in the night!"

I close my eyes
let it brew